As Harry said to Sally, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." The decision to spend the rest of your life with someone may be easy, but the logistics on how to begin can be very daunting, and for a lesbian even more so.
Who should propose to whom? Do I get down on one knee? What kind of ring does she want? Do I ask her parents permission? In a straight relationship there is already some type of engagement etiquette that has developed over the years and although there are exceptions to those unspoken rules, there is a guideline to refer to. For a lesbian couple, where gender doesn't separate one from the other, one has to think long and hard about the options out there. The great thing about this uncharted territory is precisely that there are no set rules. Decide for yourself what feels right and just do it.
If you had asked me five years ago if I would propose to anyone I would have laughed - hard. But, to my own amazement and I am sure to many around me as well, I popped the question to my girlfriend last August.
It was not hard for me to figure out that I would be proposing, my girlfriend let me know that the ball was in my court. I was timid in terms of commitment because I had been burned pretty badly by a previous relationship. I was taking things slow in my new relationship so that I could examine, and re-examine my feelings and the relationship as a whole. I was waiting for a red flag that would tell me that this wasn't the woman for me, but it wasn't happening. She asked me if she could call me her girlfriend - I carefully agreed. She told me she loved me - it took me another month. And then somewhere along the way she told me that she was ready to marry me, that she knew what she wanted but would wait for me to do the asking.
I have been proposed to before if truth be told. It happened in private, without the knowledge of anyone else. It didn't seem like a big life question, but more like a request for adventure that I was pretty sure would end in disaster. I didn't want that. If I was going to get married it was going to be forever and I wanted it to be as serious as I believe it to be. So, after many months of terrified, careful contemplation, I decided that I was going to ask my extraordinary girlfriend to marry me. And it was strange, but it was the most exhilarating feeling of my whole life. I hadn't even told anyone at that point, but the decision I had made sent me over the moon.
I set up a plan to ask her while we were on an upcoming vacation at her family's beach house. I wanted her family to be there no matter the outcome; I thought it would feel safer that way. I had three months to prepare. It was difficult to hold in my excitement for three months, really difficult at times, but I needed time to figure out the logistics.
I told my parents separately and asked for their blessing which they both gave. I then contacted her parents over email since they are often traveling and told them of my plan and asked for their blessing, which they all gave much to my relief. I would need their help with my plan and they were all on board. I know that not all lesbian couples will be as lucky as I am to have supportive parents. If this is the case I recommend including whomever your girlfriend thinks of as family. It's not that you're necessarily asking for permission, but for me it was wonderful to have the emotional support when going through such a nerve wracking event.
Trying to find the perfect engagement ring was tricky and I'm not sure I did a great job there. Like many lesbians out there, my girlfriend doesn't wear a lot of jewelry and the rings she had in her jewelry box were a variety of sizes. I found myself trying to compare our fingers as we held hands and asked questions about ring styles in the most casual ways I could. Most people make the engagement ring the big ring, but I wasn't about to spend a bunch of money to get her a ring she would never wear. I ended up choosing a simple set of stacking rings that I knew she liked and could be resized if needed. I figured we would pick out our wedding rings together and spend the money there instead. She seems thrilled with the stacking rings and wears them everyday. But, I cringe when people say "Ooooo, let's see the ring!" and I fear they think I'm an idiot.
The proposal itself was something that I played and replayed in my head a gazillion times before it happened. I wanted something unique to us, clever, lighthearted, and incredibly special. I didn't have the nerve for a big public proposal, and I didn't want my first act of the rest of our lives to make either one of us feel uncomfortable or like she was put on the spot. So, I chose sunrise on the beach because I knew we would have some privacy and I counted on my girlfriend's family to make themselves sparse so we could have a private moment. It was difficult to get her out of bed in the morning but I was wide awake. We watched the sunrise on a beach towel and I gave her a rock, or at least it looked like a rock. I had made a jewelry box to look like a beach rock, and inside were the stacking rings. I wasn't on one knee because we were already sitting, but she looked at me like I was crazy and I asked her if she maybe wanted to marry me?
She was shocked. She actually said through her tears, "I thought I would have to wait years for you to ask me." Then I had to really ask her because she hadn't answered me yet and then she said yes. We kissed, cried, laughed, and replayed everything again and again. Then we got coffee and came back to the house where everyone was waiting for us with giant smiles on their faces. It was a great day.
